


better make it soon before you break my heart

by queenfemslash



Category: Elton John (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Eating Disorders, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Lesbian Sex, Slow Burn, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:41:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29366475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenfemslash/pseuds/queenfemslash
Summary: Etta should not be falling in love with her roommate, she's in no state to be in a relationship.Or the epic love story of both Etta and Bernie and Etta and herself.
Relationships: Elton John/Bernie Taupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	better make it soon before you break my heart

**Author's Note:**

> This has been rewritten, also, IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, DO NOT READ!! 
> 
> This is for mature readers only.

"For fucks sake Etta, her Facebook profile picture is of when her grandparents took her to Lourdes to celebrate her confirmation." 

Ok, so maybe her stepfather was right. Etta knew that it was a foolish idea to fall in love with her roommate. Bernadette “Bernie” Jeanne Taupin, she’s in the literature program focusing on creative writing, she's got this cute little accent because she is from the north, she grew up on a farm and loves animals, how on earth could Etta not fall in love with her? She does not feel comfortable cursing, because “My mother tried to raise me to be a lady, whether she succeeded is still up for debate”. God, she had the best sense of humor. Whoever said women could not be funny had never met her. 

She’s also just the cutest thing. With those big grey eyes and full brows that Etta ( and most blondes and redheads ) would kill a man for. Wide eyes and soft rosey cheeks ( without being too full). That long wavy brown hair. It’s soft and seems to naturally just look nice . Etta’s never seen her put on makeup or do anything to her hair besides brush it.

Etta may only be 20 but she’s got regrets. Seeing Bernie in only her slip (who even wears slips anymore?) after a shower is not one of them.

She’s down right tiny. Dainty, beautiful, graceful, all smooth planes and small perfectly rounded breasts, like a couple of ripe peach halves, the faintest hint of hips, the smallest perkiest butt. She once dropped a pen and it fell right through. Thigh gap and all that, thin arms and legs , bracelets all loosely draping. Perfectly dipping collar bones and bird like hands. She was perfect and lovely and beautiful. 

All the things Etta will never be. Maybe if she was she'd like herself more. Maybe her dad would try to know her, rather than bitch and moan about child support. She has not heard anything about or from him now that she's an adult.

All that being said, even if Bernie was interested in other women? Etta really doubts she would be Bernie’s type. IF, and it's a big if, Bernie liked other women, why would she settle for a plain frumpy fat girl like Etta. She’s never been good enough for anything. Not for her mother, not for her father, not for school, not for her ex Jane (who dubbed her the gap toothed bitch and hit her, but that totally was not abuse. Girls can’t abuse their girlfriends. ) , why the hell would she be good enough for this?

It’s much easier to not let yourself believe that things could be better this time, that you might get what you want. 

Hell, they both are in the freshman dorms, despite Etta being two years older than her. And even though she’s pretty much at her set point and thinner than she used to be, she’s still no one's idea of a dream girl. Her mum still is pissed that she “ went all mental” and “ how dare you be angry I took you to slimming world meetings.” , Derf was just glad she “got the help you need, kid” and ‘I hope you stay better, you can’t sing if you keep burning holes in your throat “. Her Nana was just heartbroken. She’s never seen Nana cry. That made this serious. They all visited her while she was away. Her father didn’t even bother to send her a card on her birthday.

She should feel lucky that her piano teacher caught it. If someone is staring at your hands to watch your form, of course they will notice the raw and nicked knuckles. She should feel lucky that there was a spot open at the treatment center and that she messed up her electrolyte levels enough to seize up. She gets told that she was lucky to be just sick enough to have them consider her for inpatient treatment. She did her time, gained a few pounds, was let out and assigned to do weekly talk therapy. She should feel lucky that she managed to go through audition season. She should feel lucky that they overlooked the two year gap in her resume. She somehow got in, second round but still, she got in. Derf bought her a new fancy keyboard and some cash to buy furnishings for her dorm. Nana and Mum got her a new phone, under the rule that if she started to have more bad days than good , she’d call home. 

She should feel lucky that Derf and her Nana care enough to have her text them photos of her meals. Because if she manages to eat normal meals maybe she could stop the starve/binge/purge cycle, maybe she would not relapse while away for school. If she did though? Would it really be that bad? 

It’s not like she’d start purging again. She’s ok with not ripping another hole in her esophagus. Or looking to find not only vomit and stomach acid but blood in the toilet. 

But just not eating? That’s fine. She’s fine. She’s taken to sending photos of Bernie or Kiki (who she is accompanying for the end of semester showcase) or Freddie from Music Theory 101’s lunches. It’s a work around for now. It’s not like she’s going to die. She doesn’t have much further to go. She’s only a stone away from her lowest weight. Just a bit more after that. If she loses a little bit more, maybe then she’ll feel better about all this. It’s not like she can change the fact that she is gay, as much as her father might wish she could . She can’t control that she’s a naturally shy person. Or the massive amounts of anxiety she feels. But at least this is something that she can control. It’s not like the binging or purging, she’s in control here. It’s discipline. It’s good for her right. Plus when she was at her worst, she suddenly found it easier to not be as gay. It’s like someone dulled her desire to have a girlfriend, she still was not interested in men, but that’s not the worst. Maybe if she gets there, she won’t be in love with Bernie any more.

Bernie, thank goodness, was so worried about doing ok in her classes and proving she was as smart as her sister. She didn’t even notice that Etta doesn't eat. Really, it’s a blessing living with someone who barely knows you. They don’t know your dirty secrets.

And that’s how Etta wants it to be. If you keep yourself closed off, you can’t get hurt, right?

\------------

Bernie knows what people think of her. She's just some cute little girl from up North. She went to an all-girls secondary school. She went to Lourdes for her confirmation. She speaks fluent French. She must be a spoiled little brat. 

Her grandparents paid for all of it. She's sure it's their way of making sure their granddaughter does not run off with some low class guy and throw away her education on being a farmer like her dad did. They also refused to speak to her in English. 

On one hand she knows she has been blessed with a good education, on the other she's a farm girl. She loves horses. Look, she's vast, contains multitudes, ok?

She also speaks Italian fluently . Her uncle James met his husband in Tuscany. So obviously her Zio Joey was going to teach her. People just assume she’s homophobic because she’s catholic, which is false. 

Her being homophobic would really put a damper on her growing crush on her roommate. 

Etta was everything Bernie wasn’t. She was funny and smart and oh so classy. She grew up in London with her mom and stepfather. She took a couple of gap years. She was a childhood piano prodigy. 

Plus the fact that Etta looked like she could both kick your ass (and objectively, had the best rack she’s ever seen) and also kind and honest. And let's be honest, Bernie’s favorite thing about her ex Max, was dat ass. Etta’s totally got it going on in the killer ass and thighs area. She looks like a woman, rather than a little girl like Bernie does. Plus, she has this really cute gap in her teeth . Her hair is this color she called dishwater blonde. Bernie thinks it's like when the sunshine hits the flax in the field, and her voice is like a song and… she looks warm. Like home. 

She has got it bad. But she can’t tell Etta about her crush. 

Bernie knows something is wrong. 

It started off as little things. Like she never sees Etta really eat. The dress she has on today is cute. It was much cuter when it fit her properly at the start of term. Now it looks like a sack on her. She has graceful pianist fingers, but her skin seems to always be dry. Bernie has offered her hand cream and she takes it every time. Yet Etta still has dry skin. Bernie knows she should just ignore the fact that the shower is constantly getting clogged with hair. There is this scar on Etta’s knuckle that makes her wonder. She had always just assumed it was due to a childhood accident. But repeat trauma from your teeth hitting your knuckle will do that too. Etta joked that she hates running, but every morning like clockwork she laces up her trainers. Why would she go run for miles if she hates it so much. That girl she’s friends with from her composition 101 class (Frankie? Fanny? Bernie can’t remember, she’s cute and kind of looks like a cat , maybe it’s the eyeliner and high cheekbones?) came by the apartment to pick Etta up so they could go shopping. Etta came back with a blouse for her Nan, a tie for her stepfather with a matching hairband for her mum, and a scrunchie for herself. No clothes for herself. 

The most alarming was the time she came back to the room to find Etta practically passed out on her desk. She probably was just tired from going out with her friends.

Right? 

Bernie is not sure how to talk to Etta about this. You can’t just go, ‘ hey I think you have an eating disorder, don’t, you're too sexy for that’ to your roommate. 

So she prays. Most people would be shocked to find out that she is both very spiritual and Not Straight. She goes to the Newman center on campus and lights a candle for Etta. It’s not that odd in her mind. Newman himself was buried with his lifelong roommate and “love of his life”. 

Even if she could tell Etta how she feels, three things are quite clear. One, Etta deserves an legit gay girlfriend. Not, Bernie, who is far too girly and has never been super big on gender being a deciding factor in who she likes. She understands most Lesbians think that people like her are flaky. She’s not. Heck she’s had more relationships with men than women, but that’s how things went back home. 

Two, Etta can’t stand most country music and Bernie loves it. She’s a big Dolly fan. Right now , funny enough, she’s been really into Travelin’ Thru. The whole idea of ‘God made me for a reason’ from a movie about a transwoman ( even if the movie is a bit problematic, the song sure ain’t). And she does feel like a puzzle that is trying to find where all her pieces fit. Maybe that’s just the whole moving away from home thing. 

Three, Etta is in no state to be in a relationship. Bernie knows, she knows, that Etta is not doing ok. So what can she do? If she can help Etta, then at least she can keep Etta in her life. Plus, Etta has so , so , so much to give the world. How dare she cheat the world out of it. 

So she will find a way to get Etta help. Because one day, she will get all dolled to see Etta in a beautiful white dress. And sure Bernie might be sad. But she’ll be so happy to see Etta and her future wife build something beautiful together. Maybe she’d ever get to be a bridesmaid. 

Bernie hopes that it hurts less than she imagines. She thinks of being part of Etta’s bridal party, and damn does it hurt. To watch the one you love, to get to stand by her, and know she will never be yours. 

Sometimes, she imagines her and Etta running away. It’s commonly Paris, sometimes Los Angeles, or maybe it’s New York City, Etta’s playing huge concert halls, or writing musicals, or being the next singer- songwriter darling of the indie scene that suddenly makes it big. She likes to imagine herself as a poet, or a scriptwriter, or a novelist. 

But it’s just a fantasy, She loves Etta too much to burden her. Especially with someone as plain and boring as she is. Etta is destined for great things, Bernie is hoping she can scrape by on copywriting work and the odd freelance piece. Plus it’s a waste of time to think on things that cannot be, she needs to focus on her studies. Her parents are sure she’s gonna drop out. Because , “ You are not a natural academic like your sister, and that’s OK. Maybe you should go to beauty school?”. 

She wants to prove that she can do this. But she can worry about Etta at the same time, right?

\---------------------

She’s not sure what got into Bernie’s head. But everywhere she goes, Bernie will follow. She’s taken to asking Etta if she was eating on a regular basis. That was the weird part. Like sure is she going a little hard on the dieting, but she had bulimia not anorexia, this is just a diet, she totally is not relapsing. 

As long as she does not mess up her electrolyte levels again, she should be fine. As long as she does not have major symptoms, she’s good. She can hide the thinning hair in a bun or spray it upside down to give it some lift. She’s practically bought stock in Soap and Glory with how much of their lotions she has bought to hide the incredibly dry skin she’s suddenly developed. As long as she can seem normal, she's got it. Bernie seemed to buy her story about 'now that it's cool outside, I can take back up running' , she hates running but it's what she can do without raising suspicion. As much as she hates running, she’s good at the emotional version. The phrase fitness gurus love to spit about ‘ you can’t outrun a bad diet’ is also true about trauma. She feels like all she does is run away from her problems. It’s kinda like a form of meditating. Suddenly she has something to focus on rather than her own faults. It’s like when she was younger, she could throw herself into her piano practice. If you keep playing then you can’t hear your father fighting with your mother. 

A piano does not divorce your mom, not show up to his court allowed visits, and then when he does show up for his visit it's with his new wife who is only two years older than you. Apparently he had not learned his lesson about hooking up with girls that are barely legal. At least he waited until she was legal, Her old man might be an asshole, but he’s not a pedophile. 

She admits that his new wife had some valid points, Etta is ‘ a fat ugly dyke, and who totally can’t keep up with how beautiful and smoking hot the girl her dad got is compared to her’. That hurt a bit, but also, it’s not like she’s attracted to her dad. That would be wrong. 

Her old therapist was sure that this was the cause of her depression and eating disorder. She highly disagrees. She’s always been bigger than average and heaven forbid her mother let her forget it. Keto, South Beach, Slimming World, she’s done them all with her mom. It was good when she would succeed. Her mother would be so proud of her and buy her another CD for her collection. But then, sometimes she couldn’t, at least she got taller a few months after her period of plateau. Sometimes she thinks her stepfather Derf (Ok, his name was actually Fred, she just thought it was cute to say it backwards) and her Nana are the only people who actually give a shit about her. And Bernie now, she guesses. 

For everyone else, she’s disposable. Freddie from her Music Theory 101 is nice enough, but she’s got her own set of friends , and Kiki who she’s accompanying for the end of semester showcase , could easily find another person to do it. 

Etta thinks a lot about her own death. She knows that she would properly be buried. That's a comforting thought. She knows Derf and her Nana would be crushed. She’s thought a lot about just ending it all, but she can’t. Right before she went away to treatment, she tried to overdose on ibuprofen. It did nothing but make her puke and got people concerned enough to watch her closely . 

She does regret it, but only because she wonders how far things would go. Maybe she’d have gotten thin enough that people would care about her. Towards the point of her going away, she had shifted to restricting hard. It’s self control. It’s something she could control. Objectively, everything feels like it’s out of control. She wonders if everyone else is also just making it up as they go. She’s the queen of making shit up as she goes. 

If it’s one thing getting ill taught her, it’s how to lie. She’s great at lying. Both to other people and to herself.

“No, I am just tired. 

“ I already ate.” 

“ Yes, I am taking care of myself here at college.” 

People hear what they want to hear. It’s a blessing. No one really cares as long as you give them what they want. She has a few free days coming up in a week or so and she can’t wait to surprise her mother, and to pick up her old clothes. Her therapist told her to toss them, but her mother thought maybe she should keep them just in case. They put them into those bags you suck the air out of with your vacuum and stuck them in the attic. She got lucky, her taste in clothes has not changed a ton since then. Plus it’s getting colder. So clearly the dark tones she favored then because they were “flattering” are going to work. Traps more heat and all that. 

She sees Freddie and other girls on campus and wishes she could dress that wild. She can’t remember the last time she actually wore shorts. Even when she goes running she favors long pants. Tank tops purely are for covering up her cleavage, she’ll take at least a three- quarters length sleeve tee shirt. Because they cover everything. She knows she’s damaged goods, why show it off to everyone. 

\----------------------------------------------------------

“Oh my god, you look so thin! I think college did you some good.” Her mother shouts at her before she can even get her bag out of the back of her stepfather’s painting van. Etta knew this is how it was going to be, she’s the sum of her parts. Her mother has always pushed beauty over anything else. 

“Sheila, shouldn't we be asking how classes are going? She left for college to get a degree in music, not her appearance.” Etta can’t help but laugh. Her Nana has always had a low tolerance for her mom’s bullshit. 

“College is going well, I am doing well in all my classes and I was tapped to accompany someone at the end of semester showcase. I took up running, you know as stress relief. I promise I am fine.” Etta says trying to make them believe that , yes she’s OK. Plus it’s not like she can’t stop whenever she wants. 

Derf and her Nana don't look convinced. She knows what she needs to do. She doesn't like having to eat in front of them but she will. She might be able to get away with faking cramps or a stomach bug if she's lucky. She knows how to cheek pills , so if she gets given some medicine for her "stomach flu" she can just fake taking it. That's what she did right before she left for college with her antidepressant.

It can cause weight gain. There is no reason why she would want that. She'd rather be thin and depressed, than fat and fake happy. Plus, when she reaches her goal weight she'll be happy. It's going to fix everything. She just knows it. It has to. Plus she loves her mom, and doesn't she deserve a beautiful daughter she can be proud of? 

___________________

"College really changed you kiddo, I was sure you took your tea with more milk than that." Derf says as he watches her measure out a single half tablespoon of milk. 

"Dairy can cause phlegm, and that's bad for your voice. I am trying to limit it. " Etta hopes they buy it, she's not entirely lying. She knows in the logical part of her brain that she's making all the wrong choices, that quitting therapy, lying about taking her meds, and not allowing herself to eat properly are going to bite her in the ass one day. 

"Oh. Well you're going to have more than just a cup of tea for breakfast right?" Etta has to remind herself that the stepfather loves her. That he's only asking because he cares about her. He's not trying to hurt her. 

"Oh, I am going for a run after this, I just wanted to see you before you left for the day. I'll eat after." Etta tries to reassure him that she's fine. He looks skeptical, but takes the bait. 

"Ok, I believe you. Just know that I only want good things for you. " Derf says as he gets up to head out. "Well, I am off, I'll see you tonight."

It's kind of sad when she thinks about how her stepfather loves her more than either of her biological parents did. She just was a pawn in their games. She learned quite quickly that she is not important. Who she really is, doesn't matter. It’s only what you can do for others, how much of their shit you can take. Be quiet and unassuming and mold yourself to what others want from you. Then they won’t leave you, well not just yet. Not until they find something better.

\-----------------------------

Etta knows she's stupid. Or at least makes stupid choices. For example, is sleeping with your ex because you are drunk and feel ugly ,fat, and unlovable a good idea? No. 

But Jane texted her and it started off as only a drink…

She's not sure how she is going to sneak back into her mom and stepfather's place. Or explain the giant bruise she has on her arm.She had forgotten how much pleasure Jane gets from causing others pain. But hey, it's the best she can get. Plus it's not like she's any saint. She can be downright cruel when she wants to be. 

But it wasn't that bad? At times Jane was loving and kind. She was Etta's first and she'll always love her. But ,hooking up because you both are bored, drunk, and horny? Bad call there. And it's not like she finds it unpleasant in the moment. Objectively enough, getting off feels good. It’s the one time her stupid worthless body is good to her. Sure it sucks getting naked and having someone see what a misshapen blob you are, but soon you feel good enough to forget it. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

They had a cold snap, so suddenly her sweaters are not out of place. Her mom actually might be helping her. For all the meals she’s been home for, Etta has gotten tiny servings or alternative dishes. Her nana and Derf are having pasta? Looks like she is having a serving of zoodles that later she learns is close to what a toddler would be eating. 

“Etta, I am so glad you finally got control of yourself, you have such a pretty face.” Shelia tells her as she chooses a cup of tea over actually eating anything for lunch. “ I am really proud of you.” 

That’s what her mom is proud of. Not her getting into the conservatory program, not her getting to take lesions as a kid at the academy of music. She could work her ass off, become incredibly successful and rich, and none of this would matter. 

No, she’s proud that Etta finally stopped stuffing her face. Etta likes to think she is more than she is more than her body, but clearly that is false. She’s glad her mom is honest with her. She’s only that honest because she cares. She knows that if Etta could get really thin, her life would be easier. That’s the big thing, her mother has a whole list of things that are wrong with her appearance . 

It’s her mother being honest rather than babying her, she knows that there is a lot wrong with her looks. Her hair is a gross dishwater color and thin and constantly dry. On someone else, the gap in her teeth would look cute. She knows she easily could switch to wearing contacts, but then that would force her to make eye contact with people, and she’s honestly too shy for that.

  
  


But her weight, that’s the big thing. She’s looking better now. Hopefully she can keep it up. She never got really thin anyway. She was a size 8 at her lowest. That’s just barely in the acceptable range. 

God, she was so happy then. Her mother was so proud of her. Everything seemed to be going her way. She just has to keep going, even if it kills her. 

_____________________________

She sneaks up to the attic to find the boxes her mother hid with her old clothes in them. Etta knows she’s gotta keep track of the time. Her Nana is only going to be out for an hour and a half at her weekly bridge game. 

She’s really glad her mother saved them. She said they would be good motivation to do this the right way. It’s totally ok to live on as little as you can. That’s the honest way to fix the problem of being a worthless fatass. Not vomiting. Not letting yourself give in to the urge to binge. She grabs her old favorite dress. It’s a long sleeved black sweater dress from year nine. It’s been six years, she probably can't fit into it, but it’s a good goal right? Everyone else is the same size as they were at age fourteen at twenty, right? Starting your period is no excuse for getting fat but that’s when she started to. 

She grabs it and the bags labeled size ten, size eight ,and medium. She’s hoping she doesn't need the bag of size large items. Quickly packs things back up and heads back to her childhood bedroom. 

Dumping them out is like dumping out her memories from fourteen to seventeen. She quickly sorts out the items that are way way out of date from the ones that she could still wear without people asking how old they were. She’s not the type to stand out. It’s much much safer to just blend in. Stay boring and blend in, then you have time to become someone worth knowing. 

Surprise, most of the leggings and tops fit. A few are too tight across the bust, but that’s not the worst thing. She reminds herself that they don't count as good boobs if you're fat, and leaves them out of her pile of things to take back to college. Showing cleavage is for pretty girls, it’s just gross and embarrassing if you're not thin and beautiful. She clearly remembers when she was 16 and one of the guys in her grade tagged her in a Facebook post with a link to an article about how gross it is for ‘ land whales to show off their bloated disgusting mockery of breasts’. She went straight after school to buy more camisoles to cover up any hint of cleavage.

She has about twenty five percent of the size tens far too large and about the same amount of the eights too small. 

Considering she left for university at a size 12, she's going to call it good work. The black dress is still too tight in the bust, but it’s a goal. It’s good to have goals right? You want to have something to work towards. Etta makes quick work of packing back up the items that she cant wear, and the ones she brought home that were just far far too big for her to wear without drawing suspicion. She lucked out her old concert black still fits for recitals and end of year trials. She was able to trade her dress for the ensemble she was assigned to for a smaller one. That’s the beauty of renting it instead of owning it. 

\--------------------------------------

Etta is sure she’s spiraling , but as long as she does it quietly , and in a way that she does not have to quit school? Then no one will have to know. Her mom quietly bought her another personal scale and a food scale. The food scale is small enough and thin enough to hide in her purse, so she knows exactly how much is eating on the road. That’s a good idea. 

She knows this looks bad on the surface, but it’s normal. Hating yourself and constantly aiming at perfection is just part of womanhood. It’s the price of being female. The smaller and more consumable you are the better. 

She goes back online, looks for the motivational posters, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels:, ‘ you are not a dog, don't treat yourself, food belongs in the garbage, are you a garbage can?” It’s a good thing to remind herself. 

It’s not forever. Like pain, this is only temporary. She’s getting stronger and more in control everyday. Just one more day, and another, and another, until she’s become someone worth taking up the space she takes.

Plus it’s not like she’s actually hurting anyone. No one gets hurt by this. It’s a good thing, right? 

\----------------------

Bernie is fucked.

She, Miss Bernadette Jeanne Taupin is truly and rightly fucked. 

She knew having two similar colored notebooks would bite her in the ass. 

Because Notebook A is a shade lighter than her journal. Notebook A is for her intro to creative writing course. She wrote about her baby brother Kit being born. A perfectly normal and appropriate topic for intro to creative writing.

She accidentally brought in her journal.

That means that her advisor, Dr. Richards, who mentioned his husband in the first class, who she totally admires, who’s husband leads the Open and Afferming bible study, just read an entry entitled, “Etta sit on my face please, oh my god I am so fucking horny, holy shit please notice me.” 

“Ms. Taupin, I clearly am not homophobic. But I would highly sugest you refain from writing about wanting to give oral sex to your girlfriend for class. I would tell any of you hetrosexual classmates the same thing.” Dr. Richards says in a tone that clearly gives away how uncomfortable he is. “I will give you credit this time, but please heed my warning. If this happens again, you will not have a spot in the program.” 

Bernie wants nothing more but to die right now. 

“I am so sorry, I grabbed the wrong notebook this morning and i-” 

“Oh thank god, I really didn't think you would turn this in on purpose. It’s not even your best writing. ” Dr. Richards says with a relieved sigh. 

“No, I never would. I wrote about when my baby brother Kit was born.” 

“ Well, turn it in next class and we’ll put this behind us. You know, now that I know you did not turn in smut on purpose, it’s a little funny that this happened. It’s not the first time someone has grabbed the wrong notebook. Just last time I got a recipe for the master cleanse. You can head out now.” Dr. Richards hands her the notebook with a small chuckle, and then she bolts. 

College is clearly going great. 

\-----------------------------------------------

“What are you, my mother?” Etta shouts at her. 

“No. I am just worried about you, you just seem a little pale.” Bernie just wants to make sure that Etta is going to be ok. “It’s not weak to ask for help. You know that right?” 

“You’re a stupid hick. What the hell do you know about me? Nothing. Nothing, you know nothing.” Etta retorts, her words dripping with poison 

“You’re right, Anyway, I am going home for a bit, since we have those few days off coming up.” Bernie says trying to calm Etta down. “ I’ll be back next weekend.” 

She spends the entire trip back home thinking about what to do, she honestly cares a lot about Etta. Like she’s funny and kind and everything she’s wanted in a person. They do click well, they could spend hours talking about music and movies and books. They became fast friends… and she guesses fell out just as quick. She just can’t sit by and watch Etta destroy herself. 

  
  


Maybe she should mind her own business, but she is far far too tenderhearted for that. She’s sure that Etta is her achilles heel. The one thing that’s going to lead to her downfall. 

  
  


She realizes the only thing she can really do is ask for advice. Luckily her uncles are good at that and they don't mind getting calls from her.

“So, what you are saying is that you are madly in love with this Etta girl and you think she has an eating disorder. But you don’t know how to get her to get help.” Joey says. “ I have that right? “ 

“Yeah, and it’s hard to just sit by and watch her slip further and further in to self destruction, because-” It’s funny, she is a writer, she is in a program that will end with her masters of fine arts degree in Creative Writing, she has no words to express how much Etta means to her.

“Because what, Beej?” James butts in, using the nickname he gave her years ago when she was just a little tomboy who always wanted to play cowgirl. 

“I feel safe. I was always worried with my exes about doing the right thing or saying the right thing. But with Etta? I feel totally at ease. And it’s not just because Etta is a woman. I was worried about doing the wrong thing with both Max and Toni. But Etta is home almost. I don’t miss you guys as much when I am with her.” Bernie says knowing just how far gone she seems. 

“My little sparrow, I think you are in love. Not fleeting attraction, but actually in true genuine love. Do you ever dream of running away with her? Every time I saw James, I did before we got together” Joey asks, sounding almost wistful. 

“Oh god do I. It’s sometimes Paris or L.A. or New York, and she’s doing amazing things and I get to watch. And while I am being overly indulgent, I am always some really successful playwright or a novelist or a poet. Because why not? “ She confesses. It’s not like her uncles are going to mock her. “I just wish she saw herself the way I see her. God she’s so beautiful. I, objectively, am incredibly boyish looking, but Etta looks like a woman. Ya know?” 

  
  


“I am on your facebook now, is she the girl with the sandy blond hair and the glasses? “ her uncle James is a pro at facebook stalking. “She’s got kinda a girl next door vibe to her, like she’s really cute , like in a indie club/ coffee shop hottie way.” 

“oh , yeah. I just… She’s so beautiful and even the ‘flaws’ she has are beautiful. Her glasses do frame her eyes and the gap in her teeth is actually really cute and delicate and she’s real. She’s a real life woman right in front of me, warm and soft and lovely and even though she says that her piano playing is her only skill, I hear her sing the shower and it’s like an angel. ” She’s almost out of breath. 

“You might as well face it, Beej, You’re head over heels for this girl” James says with a bit of a laugh. “Anyway, all you can really do is just try to be there for her. I hope this all turns out ok.” 

\-----------------------------------------

She enjoys her few days off, but it seems to go too fast. 

She gets back to her and Etta’s place and starts to unpack her sweaters she brought back when she has both the dumbest and smartest idea at once. She’s going to just tell Etta how she feels. Just get it right out there. Is it going to help? She doesn't know, but it’s worth a shot. 

The next two days are painful. She sees Etta weigh herself like three times a day. The right time does not come up for her to tell Etta about how she feels. But it’s night and they both are in for the night. It’s now or never she guesses. 

“Etta, can we talk? “ Bernie barely gets out. She is so incredibly nervous. “Sure, I guess. Did something happen while I was gone? You've been acting weird lately .” She can tell Etta is trying to either not lose her temper or cry. 

“I will use ‘I statements’ ok? I am worried that you have an eating disorder. I have noticed that you have lost a ton of weight over the few past months. And I noticed the shower was clogged” She looks over at Etta and it’s clear that this might be a mistake. “ I am worried for you. Because… I love you. I love you more than life itself. And it’s killing me to watch you destroy yourself. I am not expecting you to leap up and run away with me, no matter how much I want you to. But you are so beautiful and smart, and if you get better, at least I can keep you in my life as a friend.”

  
  


She looks over to find Etta completely silent. She really screwed the pooch here .

\-----------------------------------

Etta does the one thing she knows how to do . She fucking books it. When she's halfway down the block she realizes she can't just go back and apologize to Bernie she can't tell her about that . That's not how this works. So she calls the first person she thinks of.

\---------------------------------------

"I am sorry, but didn't you say you were in love with her? Like don't you want to date her? Isn't this a good thing? " Kiki says as she paints Etta's nails." Although I could see where she's coming from, I thought you just had eczema or psoriasis or something. But I noticed the constantly dry hands and the callus on your knuckles. I just didn't know what to tell you. You do know I care about you too right, like you're my friend and I want good things for you? " 

" I can't do it again okay?! I worked so hard to get into the conservatory program and I can't go away again. I am not going to give this up." Etta says, in a voice that sounds so quiet and small, like she's scared. “ It’s not that bad, ok? It’s not like I am actually sick. I am not going to die.” 

  
  


"If it’s not that bad that ,then why don't you work on it before you have a really big problem?" Kiki nudges her. Etta knows that there is actually only a few months between them , but for some reason Kiki seems to be older, like the big sister she never had. “I am not saying you have to drop everything, try to get put in hospital again, just maybe think about talking to someone about this?” 

“I understand what I am doing is not good. I will try to work on it, but I don’t think I need to see someone” She knows what she should be doing, there is no reason Etta should have to carve out time from her extremely busy schedule. “Can we just drop it? Like can we just go back to normal? I regret even bringing it up.”

“See someone, join a support group, get some sort of help, and I’ll drop it. OK? You can always call me if you need to talk you know that right? “ 

\---------------------------------

Etta totally regrets this. She is currently paralized with fear outside the door at the hospital, meeting room #3, after the NA meeting, before the la leche league breastfeeding class. Ah, the group therapy for people with eating disorders. 

“Kid, staring at the door isn’t going to make you get better” Etta turns her head. She can’t tell what gender the person who just called her kid is. They are beautiful though, thin and really androgynous. With a choppy shock of hair that clearly is a red that leans orange and must have come out of a bottle.

“Sorry, I guess I am nervous.” Etta is actually ready to bolt, but she has to do this, get this over with and Kiki will drop it and things can go back to normal. 

“I think we all are at the beginning, so who sent you, parent? Boyfriend? Husband? Girlfriend? My wife told me I had to work on my issues before we start a family. Names Quinn, my pronouns are they/them” they said as they held their hand out to Etta. 

“Etta, she/her, and um my friend said she’d drop it if I went to this meeting.” She hopes Quinn will just sort of bug off. 

“Well, let me get the door for you . After you?” 

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Well she feels like shit. Everyone else in the group has legitimate reasons to be ill. Quinn was kicked out of their home for being non-binary. Eric survived his uncle molesting him. Abby was going to be a dancer before she tore her ACL. 

  
  


She’s just a fat bitch, with no self control. And it’s not like she’s really sick. Quinn got down to the point where all they were was eating cucumbers and skim milk. Eric had to have a ball of cotton cut out of his stomach because his pika told him to eat it. Abby had lost her period for two whole years. 

That makes everything she’s going though look like a walk in the park. She’s gotten pretty good at getting away with not actually having to share. Plus it’s not like she has an interesting story, it’s best to just keep on working on getting back to her lowest weight, no ones going to care. It’s ok. She’s made more of an effort to be busy when everyone else is eating and when she’s in the room eating something small to throw Bernie off. That worked for a few days. 

Whoever requested a wellness call on her? Your mom’s a hoe. 

She should have just fessed up and played it off as if she was taking this seriously she could have avoided being forcefully referred to on campus talk therapy and now having to have someone confirm that she’s attending group therapy. 

So she’s going to have to bullshit her way through this. It’s just another hoop to jump through. 

\--------------------------------------------------

"The sooner you talk, the sooner you can get out of having to come here.” Sylvia, her assigned therapist says. 

“What more do you need to know? I am a dumb fat bitch who used to make herself throwup. Now I’ve developed a sense of self control. I know what I am doing, ok?” Etta is one hundred percent over this. 

“Why are you a dumb bitch? You seem to be of above average intelligence to me. Why don’t you tell me about your family? You noted on your intake form that your parents are not together, were they ever married? “ Syliva is clearly trying to figure out how Etta got as fucked up as she is. 

“Yes, and I might be the worst thing that ever happened to them . I don’t think they ever loved each other but clearly were stuck because of me.” It’s true though. “ How old were your folks when you were born? “ Sylvia has no clue what is about to hit her. 

“My mom was seventeen and my father was twenty six. To give my mom some credit, it’s a lot to go from being a teenager running around with your friends to a wife and mother in only a few months and she's always done what’s best for me. We’ve been on almost every diet you could name. Clearly it didn’t work. “ Etta confessed, maybe her mom would have had an easier time with her if she was a better, prettier daughter.

“Wow. Well there is a lot to unpack here. You said you had a stepmother and stepfather. What are they like?” Etta can see the wheels turning in Sylvia’s head. 

“My stepmother got angry that the ‘fat weird girl’ was invited to her wedding. She was a couple of years ahead of me in school. Don’t worry my old man waited until she was eighteen. They are not really in my life. He’d much rather forget I exist. My stepfather on the other hand, he’s cool. I sometimes think he and my nan are the only people who really care about me. He keeps forgetting that I am his stepdaughter. I’ve overheard him accidentally call me his daughter.” Etta admits. 

“Do you ever think your father is a scumbag? Like professionally? I am not supposed to judge. But personally he seems to be a creep that likes barely legal women. Is that the kind of guy you really want in your life? Your stepfather sounds like he’s a good guy. Would you rather end up with a guy like him, rather than like your dad?” Sylvia actually sounds like she might be kinda ok? Etta might get along with her. 

“The fellas are not really my thing.” She’s gay, she was sure it was obvous from meeting her. 

“Ok. Well are you out?” There she goes, Sylvia with the tone that makes it sound like she’s getting interested in Etta again, like in a ‘ I could write a book about her and get rich’ way, not a ‘ I am going to break all ethical boundaries and flirt way'.

“I mean my family knows and most of my friends. My dad sent me a bunch of books about 'having the courage to change and give up homosexuality'. My mom still thinks I’ll change my mind once I get thinner and more beautiful or whatever. Like after guys start throwing themselves over me. She’s convinced that once I lose all the weight and am a twig, then all my issues will go away. Maybe she’s right. Once I am thinner, then maybe I'll like myself better. I am kind of tired of putting life off, it’s whatever though.” Etta’s has been waiting for her life to begin. She’s getting a little tired of being patient. 

“Why do you have to put your life off? You’re here, you’re breathing, there is no better time to live your life than now. And I am going to be frank. You can’t hate your way to being healthy. Self-hatred is not going to make you feel better. It’s only going to make you sicker." 

"So I'm just supposed to let myself go? Become some fat blob?" 

"No, I think you should see a registered dietician and work on your relationship with food and learn to take care of yourself so you can thrive. And let your set point fall where it falls. Because, there is not another person inside of you that is just waiting for you to lose enough weight to come out. You are who you are and that’s fine. " 

\----------------------------------------

"So you want me to cut back my running to three times a week, and start eating regularly and at least three times a day. Oh I'm not allowed to weigh myself. That's supposed to help me lose weight?" Etta can't believe the crock she's being asked to do. 

"No. It's all health promoting behaviors. The amount of stress you put yourself under losing the same stone and gaining it back is making you sick. Eat regularly and you won't have the urge to binge. If you don't binge, you won't need to purge. I'm not here to ruin you or make you fat. But you're sick,Etta. You need to focus on getting well. You're tired all the time and you said your hair was thinning. That's not a sign of a healthy person.Sooner or later you are going to crash, you can’t keep suppressing your metabolism and immune system by starving yourself. And when you crash, it's not going to be pretty. " 

"Are you kidding me? You really think easing up on self discipline is going to help?" 

"Give me three months. That's through new year's day. If you don't feel better in three months, you can stop seeing me and go back to what you were doing. " 

\----------------------------------------

Why did she think this was a good idea?

“Etta, you need to come out.” Freddie shouts. 

“Ok, I'm a big ol' gay.” Etta is not in the mood. 

“Of the dressing room, Etta, the dressing room.” Oh that, She knows how to dress herself, but she thought maybe something a little different for her first date with Bernie. 

"See, you look nice when you're not wearing all black and slouching." She's honestly not sure about this whole pseudo vintage thing. It's kinda cute though. 

"Do you really think I should be wearing something this tight and this low cut. It's not that flattering?" 

"Etta, is that you, or is that your mum talking? You gotta get her out of your head. You look really good. " Freddie says as she pulls out her phone. "Do you trust me? I want to get some outside input?" 

"Sure, but I know what some of your friends dress like. Regina especially is a lot less modest than I am. " 

"Can you at least smile for the photo?" Freddie snaps a pic and sends it off. " And I am not asking Regina. I am asking my mum. A middle aged extremely conservative dresser." 

"Oh. What does she think? " 

" She thinks you should get a matching sweater, in case it's cold. And that the dress is cute." Etta is surprised but it can't be that bad if Freddie's incredibly conservative middle-aged mother thinks it's cute. "You need to get over your hang ups over your body. You're perfectly normal. Also considering Bernie lives with you and knows what you look like? She's going to enjoy seeing you in something a bit closer fitting."

" I just don't want to have this fail and turn into a huge awkward situation. " 

"Trust me it's not going to fail." Freddie says with that mischievous look she gets that makes her look like the cat that swallowed the canary. 

\------------------

Bernie is not like gay, GAY, but holy shit, Etta looks good. Excuse me, but where was she hiding that? (The answer most likely was under baggy clothes because Etta is self conscious.) She feels super underdressed in slip dress and chucks. She was told it was a casual sit down restaurant. 

"We can go somewhere else if you don't like this?" Etta asks her. 

" I love it, I am flighty. Sorry." She really hopes that helps. "You look really good. Not that you don't always look good." Way to go, Bernadette.

"You also look good. Did you want to split a pizza or get pasta?" 

"Sure, let's split one, how does the margareta sound." 

\-------------------------------

If she was on a date with anyone else, it would be fine. She would enjoy herself and then go home and you know get rid of it. 

But she already lives with Bernie. She has no out and she is freaking. 

"Are you ok? We can get something else if you want?" Bernie really sounds like she's trying. 

"I can't do this. " Etta can't. She fucking can't. "Not you. The whole eating out and then not being able to get rid of it because I live with you-" 

"We can go home if you want? I am sorry I put you in an uncomfortable situation, I really thought I could make this work. you know I am not going to judge you right? I am glad you're trying to work on your issues. You seem to be getting happier." 

"I want to try. I am sorry I'm damaged goods." 

"Who said you were damaged goods?" 

\------------------------

"Does your family know you're gay?" Etta asks her a month into dating. 

"Yes and no?" 

"What do you mean yes and no." 

"They know I date women. To quote Schitt's Creek, I like the wine, not the label."

"Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to have to keep me a secret." 

\--------------

"I can talk about whatever I want in here, right?" It's getting to the point where it's awkward with Bernie, and that's worse than being awkward with Sylvia. 

"Yes. As long as it's not something I have to report, you being a danger to yourself or others, it says here. " Well there is no better time to start. 

" I've been with Bernie for a month and I am still freaked out by having sex with her. " 

"Do you think you might be ace?" 

"No. It's… I know she knows what I look like. And I've been taking care of myself and I started working out for the stress relief benefits… but I just can't get myself to get naked. " She's been trying. Really she has. She signed up to take a yoga class with Freddie and she's working with her dietician on building a healthy relationship with food and getting more whole foods in. But this is the one thing she can't get over. "And it sucks because we get close and she totally wants it and as soon as she gets even close to getting my top off, I freak out." 

"Is she pressuring you about sex?"

"No, she's like super understanding and reminds me that she loves me and that she's willing to wait until I am ready, but I've done it before. I slept with both of my ex's. What's the hang up now?" 

"Tell me about where you were when you slept with your ex's." 

"At my lowest weight and drunk?" 

"That's the ticket. Now I am not saying you should get drunk, in fact you quit drinking, because it made you feel bad and you did dumb things while you're drunk. But maybe you need to think about how to make yourself comfortable without it. " 

\----------------

She's willing to wait as long as Etta needs. Really. Just she wonders if it would be best to just tell Etta, you know I know what you look like. I love you and I am attracted to you. Let's do it. 

I like your dress and I like what's underneath it? I think you're sexy? Your ideal weight is being on top of me? 

She just wants Etta to know that she's really beautiful and that she loves her. That's all.

Ok and she might be a little bit sexually frustrated at this time, but she sure as hell is not going to try to push Etta into something she's not ready for. 

\-----------------

"I'm afraid I'm going to throw away all my hard work when I go see my family for the holidays" Etta confesses in therapy the week before the semester ends. 

"Ok, why?" Sylvia asks her. 

"I know my mother thinks she's doing what's best for me. She has a long history of being a chronic dieter." Etta can't count the number of birthdays she's just told her family she didn't want to celebrate because she would just either be embarrassed by her mom doing something like sticking a candle in a rice cake or shaming her for eating a single small piece of cake. 

"I remember, we have established that she is fully entrenched in diet culture. So what do we want to do about it? You could ignore her or you can try to set a boundary with her. Also you might want to think of a few people you can call if you feel tempted to do something that's going to hurt you." 

"I want to try to set a boundary with her." 

"Well then, let's work on that." 

____________

Christmas comes and goes and on new year's day, it all comes to a head.

“My new year's resolution is to lose weight, Etta what about you?” Sheila says. Etta knows exactly where this is going . She looks over at her nana and her stepfather. Nana looks pissed off and her stepfather looks like he would love to be anywhere but here. 

“Fred, would you mind getting me a little more coffee.” Etta knows exactly what her grandmother is doing. She’s giving him an out. 

Well, here goes nothing . 

“ I think my new year's resolution is to try to get a full eight hours of sleep every night, try to get to the gym at least three times a week and to drink more water. “ She’s not lying. Those are all health promoting behaviors , and they all are what she wants to work on. 

“And of course lose weight, the freshman stone is- “ 

“My body is not up for discussion. Period.” 

“But don’t you want to be thin and beautiful? Don’t you want to live a long time? “ 

“ I want to be healthy, that’s correct, but as I said, my body is not up for discussion.” Etta is starting to really be glad that she had practiced this in therapy before she tried to set boundaries with her mother. 

“Shelia, lay off the girl.” Her Nana adds. 

“But I only want what’s best for you. You don’t take your looks seriously . How are you going to get a husband? Do you know how much I gave up for you? ” Her mother is starting to play the guilt card. She’s not going for it this time. 

“ I am a lesbian. Whether you like it or not, I am not going to change.I read all those books dad sent about how it’s a choice and guess what? I am still fucking gay. You nag me about health? I quit drinking, I started working out regularly, someone called a wellness check on me and now I'm in therapy, I was referred to a dietitian and I am working with her. I listed three different behaviors that promote health that I want to work on. But I also want to work on my mental health. I don't want to be stuck in a cycle of losing and gaining the same ten pounds. And This is the last time I am going to say it, my body is not for discussion. It is my body, not yours. If you can’t understand that, then I will have to limit the amount of time we spend together. “ Etta is tired of letting her mother live inside her head and make her feel like crap. “The negative voice in my head sounds like you. Every Single Time I have an urge to do something that hurts me, it sounds like you. I am sick of spending every fucking moment of my life hating myself just because you get some sort of kicks out of hurting and belittling me. I'm not a child wanting someone to love me and fulfill my needs any more, I am an adult who can take care of herself and you do not get to talk to me like that anymore.” 

And with that she takes her mug into the kitchen to make herself another cup of tea. And calm down because getting herself all worked up is not going to help her at all. 

“I’ve been waiting for you to say that since you were 17 and leaving for treatment. “ Her stepfather says as he refils Nan’s mug. “I love you mother, don’t get me wrong, but someone needed to put her in her place. You deserve every bit of happiness you are getting. Personally, I've noticed that your hair seems shiner and you were able to grow your nails back out. Those were two things you said when you came back from treatment that you wanted to get back. But like you said, your body is not a topic of debate. " 

" Honestly, you've always been respectful and I don't mind if someone comments on my hair or nails. " Etta is taking her life back and she's not going to take any more abuse. " I'm just tired of being stuck in the same cycle of illness and I'm ready to move on and focus my energy on something positive. " 

\-------------------------------------------------

Quinn offers to take her out for coffee after the holidays. She’s actually enjoyed getting to know them and being friends with them. 

“So, you mentioned that you were going to set some rules with your mother, how did it go? “ Quinn says between sips of their chai latte. “ I assume well because you seem to be happier and less caught up in your own head. “ 

“She didn’t take it well but , it’s my life and I deserve to live a life that I enjoy and not spend every moment with an undercurrent of self hatred tainting it. “ Etta used to get just a black coffee or a plain tea. But the matcha latte looked good and why not try it.

“Atta, girl, you know I was rooting for you.” Quinn sounds proud of her and that makes her feel good. 

“So, how is the wife, you two still looking at adopting?”

\----–--------------------------------------------

"So it's been three months, am I full of shit?" Sam, the RD , was assigned to her asks. 

"I feel better. I took up yoga and it's been good for stress. I'm not sure if I've gained weight or lost weight, but I'm sleeping better and my hair quit falling out so…" Etta honestly is trying to not lose her life again. She wants to move on and despite how skeptical she was at the beginning, it's working. 

"I weighed you and took base line measurements when you started seeing me. We're going to take updated ones, is that ok?" She knows that she says no, Sam will drop it. 

"Sure, can I know if I've lost weight?"

"I'll let you know if you've lost weight, but I won't tell you how much, how does that sound?"

"It's a compromise I'm willing to live with." Etta steps on the scale, the digital read out is blacked out and her weight is only shown on Sam's computer. She's already given them a vial of blood a few days ago to test for vitamin deficiencies. She wants to know that her work at getting better is actually making her better. 

"Ok, and I'll take your measurements really quick. '' Sam says as she quickly slips the tape measure around her. "And quick pinch." As she uses the calipers on her upper arm. 

"And…." 

"If this was a bet, you would be paying up right now. Honestly the negative difference in your weight is so small that it's you retaining different amounts of water because afab people do throughout their cycle. , but your body fat percentage has gone down 9%. " 

"How the hell does that happen?" 

"Well you said you've taken up yoga right? And you still run twice a week?" 

"Yes…" 

" That's weight-bearing exercise You're bearing your own weight, but still that is weight-bearing exercise.Weight-bearing exercise helps you build muscle and avoid osteoporosis as an old lady. Now that you're not starving yourself or abusing your body, your unconscious brain, like the lizard part of your brain isn't saying "oh no we're in a famine we need to hold on to as much as we can. Basically all the hard work you're putting into trying to take care of yourself is working. But most of all, you've been feeling better." 

\---------------------------------------------------

She’s incredibly glad that she’s not Freddie’s type. Or else this might be awkward. 

“You need to lift your butt a little higher to make this work.” She’s not flexible like Freddie is but she’s realized she’s a little stiff for her age and this is supposed to help. Usually she adapts the poses, but she has faith that she can get it this time. 

“My butt is as high as it can go!” 

“Just a smidge more.” and that’s when she realised, growing can hurt, but it’s a good hurt. Like the current stretch she’s finally achieved this. “That’s the ticket. See I told you, you could do it.” 

\---------------------------------------------------

“So , I had a revelation while doing yoga this week” Etta tells Sylvia during her session that afternoon. “I should not be doing stuff like trying to get a full night's sleep every night, working out regularly , quit drinking, upping my water intake and eating better and regularly just because it’s going to make me healthy.” 

“I am not one hundred percent sure I know where you are going with this. I disagree.” 

“No, I should not be doing all that self care just because it’s good for me. I should do it because it feels good and I deserve good things. Regardless of what size I wear or how much I weigh. I deserve to feel good and feel good about myself. "

“That I can agree with.” 

“The other thing is, I was trying to do this pose and I was really struggling, so I asked my friend for help and she had to put her hands on me to help me get into it, but she knows what I look like and had no problem helping me and she’s just my friend.” Etta is really picking up steam here . “So why would or should I be hung up on letting myself be touched by my girlfriend, who has told me countless times that she is attracted to me?" 

"That's a really valid point, Etta." 

"Like , I'm average, I'm perfectly normal. I am not the grotesque monster I've made myself out to be in my head. I'm an average person who deserves to live a full life and be loved and happy." 

  
  


\---------------------------------------------------

What do you give your girlfriend who is recovering from an eating disorder for valentine’s day? 

Bernie couldn’t figure out what to do besides give her something unbelievable. 

She kind of feels stupid sitting here on her bed in the fanciest bra and pair of panties she has ever bought. She feels creepy that she went through Etta’s drawers to find out what size Etta wears. She knows she’s got thirty seconds once the door opens to light the candles and run into the bathroom to have her find the package on the bed. 

\--------------------------------------------------

Etta was told that Bernie had planned something special for valentine’s day, but she did not realise it was a really really nice set of sexy knickers as her Nana once called them. Usually she’d freak out, but if Bernie knew what size to order then clearly, she knows what Etta looks like. 

And it’s time. She deserves to have a fun night with her girlfriend looking like the hot piece of ass she is. She hears a noise from the bathroom. 

“If this is all too much please let me know, and blow out the candles so we don’t burn our entire building down.” Bernie mutters from the bathroom.

“You can come out now.” she says just loud enough that Bernie can hear her in the bathroom. 

“I did that when I was sixteen and dated Toni, but ok.” Bernie volleys back as she steps out of the bathroom. Fuck. she’s really hot, Etta can feel her body getting ready, but her mind is still warming up. “Holy shit. You look so good, Etta, do you know how good you look?” 

She turns and looks at herself in the mirror. She sees the tiny bit of stomach that she learned that most women have because of estrogen, and the stretch marks on her hips, but still, she looks good. She’s definitely on the bigger side, but most of her weight is her ass and tits and she’s starting to understand once she started wearing fun clothes that were more form fitting, the catcalls came in. She honestly is really not that bad looking. She's not sure how much if it is her feeling confident or her working out, but she's doing ok right now. 

Bernie gasps when she finally gets fully into the room and is able to see Etta staring at herself in the mirror and generally checking herself out. 

"So I did a good job picking your set out?" Bernie asks, sounding super nervous. 

“I look awesome. You don’t look too bad yourself. “ Etta says as she pulls her girlfriend across to where their beds were pushed together. “Is this your first time with a girl? “ 

“Nope, before I came out, I had a lot of 'study sessions’ with Toni.” Bernie says trying to hold back a laugh. And with that suddenly she found herself flat on her back with her girlfriend's hair blocking her face. Etta reaches up to tuck Bernie’s hair behind her ears. 

“I would rather not get a mouthful of hair when I do this." She said right before kissing Bernie. They have kissed before , but something seems different now. It's like how she feels when she's drunk, but better. She feels warm and open, but not hazy. She clearly knows what is going on.

"We can stop here if you want or we can go further if you want? " Bernie says as she ghosts a hand over Etta's hip. "Can I take this off?" She says as she hooks her finger under the strap of her bra. 

"You can if you want to. " Etta is nervous, but like the good kind. Like before you go on a trip or get a new haircut.

\------------------------

"You can if you want to." Of course she wants to, she's wanted to show Etta how much she loves her for months now. Bernie's never been this turned on in her life. 

She slowly takes Etta's bra off like she's unwrapping a delicate gift, something fragile, that deserves the utmost care. 

Bernie has always gotten off on making her partner feel good. That's exactly what she's planning on doing tonight. 

"If at any time you want me to stop or do something different, let me know." She wants to make sure Etta is completely comfortable. She starts by kissing Etta and slowly working her way down to her chest. God she got so freaking wet just thinking about this, let alone getting to see Etta like this.

"Oh God, please don't stop. " Etta moans. She hasn't even gotten her panties off. 

"I think we need to get these off before we wreck them" she says as she slowly pulls down and off Etta's panties. As she gets them off, she can't help but moan. "Etta, do you how fucking sexy you are?" She says as she worked her way back up to caress her breasts. "you have a rack to die for" she can't even fit them in one hand each. 

"Oh God, please just keep going. " Etta mutters as she starts to squirm. So Bernie does. 

"You like this beautiful? You're so gorgeous, I've had to excuse myself so many times in the past because I've gotten so turned on by you. " She says as she ghosts her hands over Etta's thighs up to her hips and ass. "You're so unbelievable, I can't begin to explain how much I've wanted to do this. To make you feel as good as you deserve. I can't let you have all the fun." She quickly slips off her bra and panties and feels a pang of insecurity. She's fairly boyish, but tonight is not about her. 

She starts by kissing Etta on the mouth and working her way down, paying special attention to her stomach and all the other parts of her girlfriend that she knows she's insecure about. Everytime Etta moans or sighs, Bernie gets a little more turned on. She stops right before she gets to the main event and starts to work her way up Etta's thighs.

"Please keep going, oh God you're so good at this." She's dripping wet and Bernie's not even touched her yet. 

"I can't believe you’re real, you're like super hot and real and soft in all the right places-" 

"Oh God please just keep going. ". 

"You're so beautiful, I can't help myself" with that she slowly parts Etta's legs and spreads her open, as the coolness of the air hits her, she can see Etta shutter and hear a tiny gasp. She slowly starts to gently stroke off her girlfriend, seeing her get wetter and wetter as they go. "You like that gorgeous? "

"Oh God, please don't stop, please go faster." Etta murmurs, breathy as anything, her breasts heaving as she breathes heavily and writhes on the bed. "I need your fingers in me, like right now. " 

Who is she to refuse her girlfriend what she needs? Slowly, oh so slowly slips one finger in and out and in and out. Slowly teasing her girlfriend, and when Etta is close? She stops. And starts again , this time faster, harder with two fingers. 

"You like that, beautiful? This feels good?" Bernie quickly noticed that Etta has some sort of praise kink. It's not surprising. 

“Oh god, i'm so close.” and then Bernie sees her girlfriend make the most beautiful face, just completely blown out in ecstasy . 

\-----------------------

As she lays in bed, staring off to space because she’s the big spoon, her mind seems to wander to all the other times she’s been in this situation. 

It’s different now then it was then with Jane. First: she’s not getting choked. Second: where Jane was all hard words and rough pulls of her hair, Bernie is soft and touches her like she’s something precious, like she’s afraid to break her. 

It’s nice. She can understand why they call it afterglow. The candles were a nice touch but she wouldn’t mind if the lights were on anyway. She feels like she’s just melted into the mattress, it’s better than anything she has ever felt. The noise of the world seems to have just melted away. 

Instead of being reminded how fat and gross she is at every moment, she feels loved. She’s honestly wondering if she’s got a praise kink, or if she just enjoys being called beautiful and amazing and seeing her girlfriend enjoy making her feel good. 

With Jane, she was never asked what she wanted. But she thought that was all she could get. Bernie might be more concerned with making sure Etta is having a good time than herself, she lost track of the amount of times she was asked if she was enjoying herself or to tell her how she feels. Or the number of times she’s, you know. 

They fit. It just felt so natural and perfect, and god she feels so good, like a goddess or some shit. It really is a balm on her nerves. 

She really is not looking forward to having to move and shower and leave their room. 

\----------------------------

She can’t believe this ended well. She was sure Etta would be pissed off that she snuck around to order her the set. But it ended well. Like really well. Like earth shatteringly well. 

She’s pretty sure that her lipstick is all messed up, she can see the pink on Etta’s shoulder and her neck. She’s also glad she’s shorter and gets to me the small spoon. It’s warm and safe and she would do anything to stay where she is right now. 

_______________________

She can’t believe that she got someone as perfect as Bernie to actually date her, it’s like having a girlfriend and a lover and a best friend all in one. Plus, she’s incredibly good on the eyes and is like really attracted to Etta. 

It’s kind of weird . Jane and her were together purely because they both were single and horny and Etta would take her shit. Well really it was abuse, but that’s neither here nor there. 

But they genuinely like each other and enjoy spending time with each other. She could spend the rest for life just hanging out with Bernie and be perfectly happy. 

They just seem to click. Nana and her stepfather really like Bernie also. Her mom is still pissed off about her setting boundaries and standing up for herself, but that is her mother’s problem not hers. 

She really hopes meeting Bernie’s family goes well. 

  
  


\-----------------------------

Why wouldn't her family love Etta? She's funny, smart, talented. Within thirty seconds she has her uncles literally ready to adopt her. She just keeps making them laugh and it's nuts!

“I’m starting to think that you like her more than you like me.” she quips. 

“No, Beej, we love you. We just think your girlfriend is funny and charming and that’s all.” James quips. She looks over and Etta is having a conversation that is ninety nine percent Kit going on about Pokemon and her nodding. She‘s so good with him. 

“Bernadette, you have been dating the girl for six months, stop thinking about how good she is with kids, you are not even engaged.” Joey chides. "Actually we have a question for you and Etta?" Etta hears her name and she can hear her tell Kit she'll be back in a minute to talk more about what Charmander is the best Pokemon. 

"What's up?" Etta asks, sounding a lot more relaxed than when they had arrived. 

"We have a villa in the countryside back home in Italy, it's an older family property, and we were wondering if you girls wanted to stay there this summer when we go on our cruise?" 

\----------------- 

It's beautiful and the perfect place to get away to. It's so quiet that Bernie's gotten the first draft of her novel done and she's composed a few different pieces. 

And when they aren't working, it's all long walks in the gardens and picnics on the grass. 

"Babe, what if we don't go back to uni in the fall. What if we just stay here like this forever?" Etta jokes. But they both know that they need to go back. 

It's bliss though. Also having the house to themselves and it having a high enough fence around it makes for some fun times. 

Like midnight swimming sans bikinis. 

\---------------

The next two years seem to pass without much trouble. Sure they have the occasional fight but they simply go from strength to strength. 

There are times she looks over at Etta and can't understand how this funny, smart , gorgeous woman settled for her. She can't put the person she met three years ago and the person Etta is now together. They both have grown a ton as people, but they were growing together. 

They have a place and jobs lined up after graduation. She's taken on a ghostwriting job for a company that publishes a few syndicated youth fiction series and romance novels. It's not one hundred percent what she wants to do but it's going to pay the rent. Etta's auditioning for three or four different venues to play in their orchestra or backing band, but she also has a fairly large clientele of students she's built over the past couple of years teaching private lessons. Hell some of them will pay her for her travel time. 

They got a little white dog they named Sammy and windowsills full of plants. All that’s left is to pop the question. That would be why she’s sweating bullets at the pizza place that had their first date. The ring is supposed to be on the tray with the tiramisu. That should be coming out of the kitchen any moment now….

“Oh! Tiramisu, I remember when we tried it the first time while watching your uncles’ place.” Etta looks at the tray again. “What is this box doing here?” 

It’s now or never. She reaches over and grabs the ring box. Gets down on one knee. 

“Etta, I love you and I want to be gray little old ladies with you. Will you marry me? “ 

Etta looks stunned. 

“Oh my god! Yes! Yes! One million times yes.” 

\-------------------------------- 

Etta is pretty sure that she’s never done this much googling in her life. But after the first two places pushed her to try and lose weight for the wedding , she was over it. Why would she want to go back to starving herself to look like someone she’s not on her wedding day? 

Thank god for Offbeat Bride and their forums. There’s a locally owned shop that is noted for being body positive and LGBTQ frendly. 

“Etta, can we please see the dress? “ Kiki asks between sips of her complimentary champagne. 

“I’m not sure if it’s perfect or super perfect?” she says as she walks out to the three way mirror. It’s a vintage inspired tea length gown with a sweetheart neckline and just enough floof on the bottom to make her feel like a princess. 

“I told you. I told you three-ish years ago that the vintage inspired look works for you.” Freddie chides. “And you doubted me?” 

“ I won’t doubt you again, I promise.” 

\---------------------------------

“Bernadette, do you need some fresh air or a glass of water? “ her mother asks her. She’s so nervous that she’s about to pass out. It’s not that she is getting cold feet, but she’s not a performer. What if she forgets her vows? 

“No, I’m fine. I’ll be ok.” Suddenly she has a brilliant idea. They did a gender neutral wedding party, meaning Kit has pockets on his suit. “Kit, I need you to hold onto something,” she quickly jots down her vows and hands the paper to him. “ These are my vows, I need you to give them to me if I start to forget them.” 

\--------------------------------

She doesn’t forget them. She does forget to breathe when she sees Etta walking down the aisle. 

She’s so glad that she took her uncle's advice and had the caterers set aside a plate for her and Etta, so they could actually get a chance to eat on their wedding day. 

Etta’s dad , thankfully, did not come to the wedding. Her stepfather was surprised when the DJ had announced the father-daughter dance between them. Etta has always said that he was her real dad. Bernie at that moment was extremely glad her mother made sure she had waterproof makeup. 

“And now Etta and Bernadette's first dance as wives” the DJ says right before he hits play. 

And with the sounds of Fleetwood Mac in the background, she looks at Etta and smiles. Etta leans over to her whisper in her ear. 

“ I really would like to be with you everywhere. “ 

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic is from the song "Everywhere" by Fleetwood Mac, that also is the song Etta and Bernie's first dance is to.


End file.
